Parenting Tips

Parenting Tips For Dealing With A Strong-Willed Child

Do you have a child that you feel is trying to conquer the world? If you have a strong-willed child you have probably had others look at you with an attitude that says, "you don't know how to raise your children." Either they don't have kids, or they were one of the few lucky ones who has a "compliant" child. When talking about strong-willed children, there are two age brackets that pop into mind very quickly: the terrible twos and the always-torturous teenage years. While you may think that these two ages require completely different parenting approaches, they do not. Of course, the language that you use will change, but the basics for parenting strong-willed children stay the same no matter the age. The key to parenting strong-willed children is consistency. Sounds easy, huh? Well it’s not. Children have a way of wearing you down until you just want whatever it is they’re doing to stop. Sometimes parents tend to cave or give in to their children just to bring the conflict to an end. This is the worst possible thing that you can do when dealing with a strong-willed child because it just reinforces that their negative behavior evokes a positive outcome. To show children that their antics are not going to have any effect on your decisions, you must consistently show them that you mean what you say. Don’t bend the rules or let punishments slide no matter how tough it gets, but choose your battles wisely. While it may be rough in the beginning, the more that your child sees that you will not be swayed the more he or she will listen to you without putting up a fight. Do not fight with your child. When nerves are strained and tempers flare, it can be very easy to fall into a pattern of fighting with your child. Avoid this at all costs. Deal with the behavior before you get to that point. Always try to remain calm and unruffled, at least in the presence of your child. In order to do this, you will need patience. Don’t be afraid to take a break when things get too tough. Walking away from the situation for a few minutes of peace and quiet is often all that is needed to strengthen your resolve. In addition to following these parenting tips yourself, be sure to bring the co-parent and grandparents in on the plan whenever possible. If everyone in the strong-willed child’s life uses the same approach, the child will have to buckle down and follow the rules. Defiant Challenge vs. Childish Irresponsibility There is a big difference between defiant challenges and childish irresponsibility. Most discipline books and guides deal with irresponsibility. Remembering to pick up your toys or take out the garbage is a childish irresponsibility. You should not spank a child for childish irresponsibility, but use other forms of punishment. For help with teaching your child responsibility check out Positive Parenting with the G.O.L.D. Standard at http://positiveparenting.child-success-secrets.com. Defiant behavior has to be dealt with immediately, and can sometimes necessitate spanking. Defiant behavior is when you tell your child what they cannot do, and then they do it. The child is challenging your authority. Be sure to explain the consequences to the child when you tell the child the rule or boundary. Instead of saying to your child do not run away from me in the store, tell the child if you do not hold on to me or the cart while we are in the store you will get a spanking, or whatever the designated punishment is that works for your child. A child is fully capable of discerning whether his parent is conveying love or hatred. The child who deserves a spanking understands its purpose and appreciates the control it gives him over his own impulses. Children who know no law higher than their own passing fancy become trapped by their own appetites. If a spanking doesn't work with your child, find a punishment that does, like taking away play time. It is not good to be overly controlling or overly permissive with your children. In all of life, there has to be a happy middle ground. Rather than being considered strict, choose the battles that matter the most and be consistent in them. If a parent is overly controlling, the child will tend to be wild when out of sight of the parents. Parents who are too permissive will fail to teach their child responsibility and respect. If the child wants to be hugged or held after being punished, by all means do so. Embrace him and rock him softly. Tell him how much you love him and why he must mind. This can be the most influential moment of the entire day. Don't try to change your child overnight. Choose carefully the matters that are most important and are worthy of confrontation, then accept his challenge on those issues and win decisively. Remember to reward every positive, cooperative gesture he makes by offering your attention, affection, and verbal praise. The key is doing what you say you are going to do and being consistent. Some days you will be too tired to deal with it, but that is when it may matter the most. Otherwise on days when the child sees that you are tired, the child will test you all the more. Children want their parents to be stronger than them. Knowing that you are stronger makes them feel secure and safe. That goes back to why boys like to say my dad can beat up your dad. Actions Have Consequences Children must learn that actions have consequences, whether good or bad. As children approach adolescence they need to learn more and more that their actions have consequences. If the child is continually bailed out by the parent, what happens when the child grows up? If your son gets fired from his first job for being late, are you going to try to bail him out? This is why children need to learn responsibility and respect for authority. Children lack the maturity needed to generate self-control. They need external discipline to guide them. By being required to behave responsibly, a child gains valuable experience in controlling his own impulses and resources. Shape the Will - Don't Break the Spirit Parenthood is a contest of wills, but you do not want to break your child's will, you want to mold it. Shaping the child's will is your biggest task, especially when you have a strong-willed child. You also must be careful not to break the child's spirit. The spirit of a child is much more vulnerable than his will. The spirit can be crushed and broken all too easily. The spirit relates to the self-esteem or the personal worth that a child feels. It is particularly vulnerable to rejection, ridicule and failure. Spanking a child for defiant behavior does not hurt the spirit. What hurts the spirit is yelling and verbal derogatory accusations. Saying to your child, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it." implies that you do not want them around. Or saying things like, "Why don't you act like your sister?" or "Why don't you grow up?" hurts the child's self-esteem. A child needs someone who can control them, not yell at him and put him down. A child feels more loved when you take control. Let me reiterate that spanking should only be used for defiant behavior. There are times when a child should be required to spend ten minutes sitting on a chair, or have a privilege taken away. The punishment should fit the offense and the circumstances. There are even times when undeserved mercy should be granted if the child is truly repentant. Even Dr. Spock, who was known for being lenient, later said, "The way to get a child to do what must be done or stop doing what shouldn't be done is to be clear and definite each time. Part of the definiteness consists of keeping an eye on her until she complies. I'm not recommending the overbearing manner of a drill sergeant that would rub anyone the wrong way. The manner can be and should be friendly. A firm, calm approach makes the child much more likely to cooperate -- politely, promptly and completely. I know this is true. I've seen it work not just hundreds but thousands of times. Parental firmness also makes for a happier child." The parent who is most anxious to avoid conflict and confrontation often finds himself screaming and threatening and ultimately thrashing the child. So rather than taking action immediately, the parent let's the situation escalate. These are the situations that can lead to child abuse because the parent is acting in anger. So take control of the situation early. Don't let your child keeping pushing you further until you are angry. There is a delicate balance between love and control. Recognize that a reasonable and consistent action-line does not assault self-worth, but represents a source of security for an immature child. If a policeman could only yell insults at you and shake his fist at you in protest of you speeding, how effective would the policeman be? Disciplinary action influences behavior; anger does not. Dr. James Dobson says, "Ultimately, the key to competent parenthood is in being able to get behind the eyes of your child, seeing what he sees and feeling what he feels. When he is lonely, he needs your company. When he is defiant, he needs your help in controlling his impulses. When he is afraid, he needs the security of your embrace. When he is curious, he needs your patient instruction. When he is happy, he needs to share his laughter and joy with those he loves. Thus, the parent who intuitively comprehends his child's feelings is in a position to respond appropriately and meet the needs that are apparent. And at this point, raising healthy children becomes a highly developed art, requiring the greatest wisdom, patience, devotion and love that God has given to us." On the upside of things, strong-willed children generally become highly motivated, successful adults if they have been taught the skills and self-control needed to contain themselves. They usually have high-self esteem, high energy, and extreme intelligence. If they have the skills to contain their own greatness they can let it shine when and where appropriate. Keeping this in mind, try not to brow beat your children into submission. Instead, lovingly show them how to control emotions and how to properly assert themselves. Discover 11 Powerful Parenting Tips For Happy And Successful Children at http://www.child-success-secrets.com